Harry Potter You Want Me to Do Friggin What?
by AussieFFaddict
Summary: The old cliche. Harry goes back in time... This time however, Harry is not impressed that he has been Tapped. And he is not afraid to let everyone know about it. Lots of swearing and cursing. Massively bad attitude. Lots of bashing Hopefully this will be different enough for you to enjoy reading. Please review, but with constructive criticisms.
1. Chapter 1

**G'day and welcome to my newest story. This is a more traditional HP story that (hopefully) has a slightly different spin on the usual time travel story.**

 **This Harry has a lot of attitude, a lot of issues and will not take shit from anyone.**

 **If pairings happen it will probably be h/hr/ll, and it will cover as much as it needs too.**

 **Please review as I would really like to hear your opinions on how the story is going.**

 **Just like in Help From Beyond (which is still ongoing – this plot bunny just popped into my head today and wouldn't quit), this story will have an insane amount of swearing in it (if the title didn't give it away already).**

 **You have been warned…**

 **Not mine…**

 **Chapter 1**

"Get up you freak" was the first thing I heard, quickly followed by what I'm guessing was a kick to the door

I went from asleep to totally awake instantly and sat bolt upright only to feel an intense pain as my forehead connected with something.

"Fuck me." I yelled in sudden pain as I fell backwards onto a hard surface. What the fuck was that? I wondered to myself as I lay there with my hands now pressed to my throbbing forehead and waited for the spinning to stop.

While this was going on, I heard the sound of something heavy running above my head which only got louder until it was practically right above me.

I felt dust and debris rain down on my upturned face as who it was seemed to jumping down stairs directly above me. I heard another kick to what I am still assuming was a door of some kind as whoever it was ran past where I was lying.

"Oh you have got be fucking kidding me." My brain finally fought through the slowly lessening pain in my head and put together the clues that it had subconsciously processed in the last two minutes.

Muscle memory kicked in and with my eyes held tightly closed, I reached out a hand and grasped a thin bit of string. I pulled down and was rewarded – if you could call it that – with a sight I had not seen since 1991 – I did the quick metal count – twenty five fucking years!

There is no fucking way this is happening I thought.

In the dim light thrown by the bulb, I slowly sat up – mindful of the steps above me – and looked down at my naked torso. What I saw made me both shiver with revulsion and forced the red mist of total and utter anger to descend on me.

My under fed, emaciated torso that was covered in a roadmap of scars that had been caused from everything from belt buckles and electrical cords, to kitchen and box knives, riding crops (don't ask) and electric shocks – from when dear old fucking Vernon decided to try out a scene from the first Lethal Weapon movie, was revealed to my furious gaze.

"Get out here now you lazy freak." Was screamed from the direction I now know for sure is the kitchen.

Diddykins, do mommy a favour please pet and go and drag the freak in here. He has to cook breakfast." The despised voice dripped with malice. There was a scaping of a chair been kicked back from a table, followed by the sound of pounding feet getting closer to where I lay.

I reached for my glasses and swivelled around on the thin camping mattress that was all that I had for a bed when I still lived with – and for some fucking reason, I seem to be back here again – the Dursleys. I pulled my legs back against my chest and just as the door was starting to open, I let fly with both of my legs, putting as much force as my undernourished body could muster into the kick.

My timing was spot on. Just as fucking Dudley bent down to yank the door open, my kick sent the edge of it straight into his nose - which immediately erupted with blood – and forehead.

The force of the impact succeeded in shoving the fat little fuck bag into the wall, where his flight was abruptly halted. But not before the back of his head bounced off the wall with enough force to knock his sorry ass out cold.

"Diddykins!" came an anguished shriek from the kitchen, which was closely followed but the clicking sound of high hells – seriously? Fucking high heels in the house, in the fucking morning? It's not even 0800 yet.

I managed to extract my skinny little ass out of the cramped cupboard just as the door to the kitchen swung open. Standing in shocked silence was the face of one of the people that I hated most in the entire fucking world.

Petunia Fucking Dursley …

"What have you done you little shit?" she screamed at me. She started towards me and I stepped on my cousin as I moved backwards towards the door to give myself some room to move.

I will admit that I did make sure that I bounced on the fat fucks head as I went past. Yes I will admit it was petty, but I have never claimed to be perfect…

I came up on my toes, turned slightly side on, bought my hands up into my preferred combat stance and prepared to kick her fucking teeth out through her asshole.

I didn't even think of using magic. There were some things that just had to be taken apart by hand.

Just as just as the long necked bitch reached her precious spawn there was a sound that resembled a distant cannon, and a force of something passed through the air. Petunia seemed to freeze half way to her knees and a form shimmered into existence behind my relatives. The sudden appearance of a strange looking boy with wavy golden yellow hair and with a complexion and face that was almost too perfect to be heterosexual, wearing a white cloak and carrying a staff that was capped with a red stone the size of a baseball, as well as sporting a massive fucking pair of wings caused me too instantly go into full combat mode.

I opened up my magical core and sucked as much magic into both my hands as possible. The rush was better than any pepper-up potion or lap dance – Don't judge me. There was now a green glow surrounding my hands up to the wrists, whose colour greatly resembled that of the killing curse.

Yes it can be cast windlessly - and non-verbally - if you have enough power and hate. Trust me, I've got both power and hate up the fucking Xinyang.

I am also more than slightly surprised that the twenty odd layers of magical bindings that Goat Fucker Dumbledore had compressing my core didn't seem to be in this incarnation of my younger body any more.

I didn't find out about the bindings until I was almost thirty two. My rage when I discovered this forced me to do something really fucking stupid.

I didn't bother asking for help from anyone – Hermione and Luna had been dead for years by that stage. I just went and looked in the combined Potter-Black Library for a something that would release them. I found a spell, and without reading any further than the title – Destroy Magical Bindings - I raised my wand and cast it.

Dumbass.

The release of my magic when the bindings came undone was / is / whatever the fuck is currently going on the reason why there is no more Potter Manor, and the grounds look like ground zero from a nuke detonation.

Yep, pretty much not my best day ever. Seven hundred years of Potter history and memorabilia wiped off the face of the planet because the current Lord of the smoking crater had a dummy spit over the actions of a corpse…

Remind me to tell you what can be done with The Resurrection Stone, three drops of The Elixir of Life and half of a particular necromantic ritual.

Good times…

The Lockhart looking mother fucker tapped his staff on the floor beside him and let it go. The staff obediently hovered a few inches off the floor. He did this while not breaking eye contact.

I guess I was supposed to be impressed…

Remind me to act impressed next time please someone?

He slowly raised both his hands, palms towards me showing that he wasn't holding anything. I still didn't relax. With the right wand holsters, empty hands can have a wand in them and firing off spells within two or three seconds.

Believe me it can be done. I can get both my wands into my hands and a pair of reductors heading downrange – or towards a person – in two point three seconds.

"Peace Harry." His voice was calm, commanding, expecting instant obedience. And it immediately pissed me off.

"What do you want goldilocks?" I demanded. The green glow of my hands not wavering. "You are ensuring that a perfectly fucked up morning becomes a worse than fucked up morning."

He gave me a look of frustration and turned towards the kitchen door. He waved his hand and a plush comfy looking lounge chair appeared right in front of the door.

He turns back to me and with a sigh, retracts his wings and settles into the chair and places both hands palm down on the arm rests.

I still don't relax. From a seated position, the time it takes to draw and fire slows to just under three seconds – two point nine to be exact.

"One last time Goldilocks." He snorts and his lips turn upwards into a smile. "What the fuck do you want?"

"Do you not want to know who I am Harry?" He asks me in a tired sounding voice.

"You could not begin to count the amount of fucks that I don't give." I snap back at him. "All I know is that I was happily sitting in the cinemas watching a movie after a really shitty fucking week. Next thing I know, is that I am back in that motherfucking cupboard and I appear to be eleven again." I pause to take a breath.

"You want to get to explaining why I seemed to have been blasted quarter of a century into a past I really didn't want to live the first time, let alone have go through the entire fucking experience again."

His shoulders seemed to slump slightly and he raised a hand towards me.

Perceiving a threat, I instantly throw both my hands forwards releasing the killing curses straight at the peacock. I fling myself onto my back to avoid whatever spell he has launched at me.

There is another cannon sound and a pulse of energy races through the atmosphere and the pair of killing curses stop only two feet from the seated man. I continue my fall, rolling backwards and pushing myself up onto my feet, both hands glowing with green once again.

"Enough." The young man's voice cracked like a whip. If it was meant to impress me, it didn't. I can put magical power into my voice as well. He waved his hand and both the green streaks of light that would have ended him vanished.

I blinked. That bit of magic did impress me.

I was also frozen in place, the two new curses in my hands had also vanished. I realised I possibly had a real problem when I found that I couldn't access my magical core.

Ok, time to go all muggle on this poncy Lockhart looking mother fucker.

I must have been projecting my thoughts past my occlumency barriers, because he sighed again, raised his face towards the ceiling and said in a tired voice. "Why me?"

There was a giggle that seemed to come from everywhere at once and a young girl's voice echoes around the room.

"You know we need him Gabriel." The voice answered.

"I know my Lady, but isn't there someone else we can Tap? His language is hardly suitable, he has no patients and his heart is full of rage, pain and hate." Now completely ignoring me, he carries on the conversation with whoever the fuck he was complaining too.

"You forgot he also a massive cock." I comment from the peanut gallery.

Goldilocks makes a sound of exasperation. "Language please." He pleads with me.

"Suck a cock." I waspishly answer. Yes the movie I had been watching when I got fisted back in time was Deadpool. I will gloss over the fact that I was watching it for the fourth time. If he launches into a 'four or five moments' monologue I was going to get a kitchen knife and slash my fucking wrists.

The young voice giggles again at the exasperation on this Gabriel dudes face. Fucker even has a chick's name.

He starts massaging his temples.

"The hate and rage are all things that will help him to achieve his true calling." The voice continues.

"But he is in so much pain." Gabriel responds.

"Well if you would loosen whatever the fuck you have me tied up like BDSM submissive with, I would be in a lot less pain." I snarl at him. "Fucking Muppet." I mutter under my breath.

"My Lady, I am sorry, however I cannot deal with this human." He stands up and his chair vanishes. "I find him totally unsuitable for his tasks."

My bindings vanish and my link to my core is re-stablished. I ignore the rantings of the pretty boy and concentrate on the fact that the littlest fuck bag is still frozen in position. I calmly walk over to Dud and poke him with my foot, noticing that he is still warm and his skin is as pudgy as ever.

A grin forms on my face as I realise the potential in this.

I carefully position the ball – his fat fucking melon head – take a few steps back to the front door and with a negligent wave of my hand the sounds of a rugby crowd can be heard in the room.

"In his debutant year with Saracens Rugby, Fly Half kicking sensation Harry Potter lines up for the shot of his career. If this goes over, Saracens will be safe from relegation."

Gabriel suddenly looks up at the noise and he is a few seconds slow to catch on to what I had planned.

Even with bare feet, the sound my instep made when it connected with Dudley's head was fucking awesome. I collected him just on the jaw bone. His head snapped back and he slammed into his bitch of a mother.

The collision had the added effect of guaranteeing that they both fell back onto Gabriel, ensuring that he too ended up flat on his ass wedged between the door frame and the wall with Petunia lying in his lap.

I looked down at the sprawled dude with his dress up around his waist.

"NO MORE!" was the bellow from the pissed off pretty boy as with a surge of power he regained his feet.

It might have sounded more impressive if it didn't squeak a bit at the end. Poor little princess still hasn't finished puberty yet.

Highly embarrassing.

That thought forces me to suddenly shiver and pull the front of my pyjama bottoms out looking down at what was supposed to be there. And it was – thank fuck. Just a lot smaller and not a hair in sight.

Mother fucker is going to pay for forcing me to go through puberty again, I promise myself.

"POTTER." Snarls Gabriel. The tone of his voice forces me to look at him. The dude managed to put a Snape-esq snarl into the pronunciation of my last name.

Good job little man.

"Before I depart, I will inform you of just who I am, and the opportunity you have just squandered." He drew himself up to a pretty impressive height. He got the wing action happening as well which added to the impressive show. A golden halo also appeared just above his head and started to pulse with light.

"I am the Archangel Gabriel." He intoned. Sounding very Percy Weaselish. "It was decided that due to the events that happened during your lifetime that you would be given another chance to correct the wrongs that were enforced upon you."

"This would enable mankind to proceed along its pre-ordained path, a path that was deviated from by the actions of Tom Marvolo Riddle, as well as the follow on actions of Albus Dumbledore."

He drew a breath and continued with his pompous sermon.

Fucking God Botherers.

"What did you just say?" He screams at me, getting so close that I had to look up into eyes that are now burning with rage.

I give him a shove and at the unexpected contact he takes a half step back.

Hey I was back in the body of my eleven year old self.

Blow me.

"Fuck off Gabby." I snarl right back. "You know dam well I didn't say a fucking thing out loud. You have been raping my mind and reading my every thought all morning."

"I love how you implied that YOU were going to give graciously me the chance to unfuck a world that you cock smokers let go to shit in the first place." I shook my head. Once again I was asking to be bent over and shafted to fix someone else's fuck ups."

I pull down my pyjama bottoms and turn my ass towards the now fuming angel. I bend forwards and pull my ass cheeks apart. "Do you want to fuck me properly instead?" I ask looking back over my shoulder. "Just do me the courtesy of using lube. My asshole isn't as big as it used to be since I woke up in this body. You don't have to be gentle. Wizarding society has been fucking me in the ass since I first went to Hogwarts." I pause and take a breath and pull my pants back up.

"On second thoughts, you look rather large, maybe you should wait until I've been back at Hogwarts for a few months. My ass should be loosened up pretty good by then."

Gabriel reared back as if struck. He drew his hand back as if to hit me. I just stood my ground and looked him straight in the eye. I made sure that he saw in my mind that if his hit did connect, that I would do everything in my power to cut the fucking wings of his smouldering corpse.

I also allowed him to see that he had allowed me to get in so close to him that all I would have to do was call the sword of Gryffindor and I could have beheaded him where he stood, and there was not a fucking thing he could have done to stop me.

Side note. Beheading is the only way to actually kill an Angel. The only way to make them mortal is to cut off their wings.

According to legend, it would also dam me for eternity. Meh, I've already heard Justin Bieber sing. So that must give me purgatory XP.

He shuddered, stepped back as much as the hallway would allow and lowered his hand. His wings disappear and he looks defeated. "You really do not care do you?" He took a deep breath. "You have absolutely no belief in anything but your own abilities and your total disregard for anyone other than yourself is astounding."

He sank to the ground in shock.

Ok, I'm not trying to sound Emo or totally narcissistic, but let me give you a quick run-down on the Life and Times of Harry Potter.

Working title; Please use lube…

I spent the first eleven years of my life stuck in this cunt of a place, with the fucking Dursleys. I then spent the next eight years as the wizarding world's bitch. After getting totally fucked off with magicals, I upped and joined the British Army about six months after graduating Hogwarts when I was eighteen. And I finally found something that I excelled at.

I became a Combat Medical Technician

Within three years I put in a request to be part of an exchange program with the American Airforce Para Rescue Jumpers (PJ) and I was accepted. It took another two years, but by the time I was twenty five, I was one of the most highly trained combat rescue medics in the British Army.

I saw service in Afghanistan, Iraq and a few other places that I am not allowed to talk about.

I ended up attached to the SBS – the maritime version of the SAS (I don't know how that happened, it just did). I became even more proficient in the art of covert small team operations. A year or so after starting work for the SBS, I received a visit from a man and a women who appeared to be in their mid-forties.

They gave me a job interview telling me that they represented the magical department that combined both MI-5 and MI-6 (5 is internal security like the FBI and -6 is the CIA equivalent. Think James Bond).

So I ended up working for MI-7. We used a combination of magical and non-magical weapons to achieve whatever our mission is. Regardless of if that is recon, infiltration, hostage rescue or assassination – don't be squeamish, someone has to deal with wanna be dark lords.

Don't even get me started on the shit fit I had with 'management' over them not assisting me with Voldefuckbag.

It was around this time that I got word that Hermione and Luna had been killed.

Murdered.

There were no leads.

No suspects.

Nothing.

They were lesbians and one was a mudblood.

No one cared.

The two people that I had left that could keep a slight lid on my particular brand of insanity – I blew up Potter Manor remember?

The two were happily married and had been together since our fifth year. Due to the extreme prejudice of the magical world, we created a sham three way marriage when we went back for our second attempt at seventh year.

As I was head of both the Ancient and Noble Houses of Potter and Black, magical stupidity declared that I needed a wife for each house.

Ummmm, can't I just have two offspring?

Apparently not.

I was surrounded by assholes. (Why does that little voice sound like Lord Helmet?)

We had a suite of rooms which allowed the girls to openly be together. I was occasionally invited into their bed and we all enjoyed the experience immensely. But it was always just as friends. Don't get me wrong, I loved both Luna and Mione, but I was too badly damaged emotionally to be the husband that these two most incredible women needed.

So I was the next best thing.

Their best friend, and occasional lover.

I knew that their murders had been organised by Ron and Seamus. Weasley always wanted Mione – in a rather creepy stalker way, and Seamus for some reason wanted Luna.

This went on for years. The stalking, the Howlers, the attacks on the wards – although that stopped when I added a defence to the wards that made the attacker feel like they were being hit with a Voldeturd version of the cruciatus.

Funnily enough, the two fuck wits only attempted to breech the wards around the Rookery three times before they stopped.

The Wizengamot tried to have the girls arrested for that particular ward, but I fudged the castings histories on the ward stone for the Rookery so it appeared that the ward was cast years before that spell was declared an unforgivable.

With Luna being the only remaining Lovegood and especially so young, how can she be expected to decipher all of the rune sets on her families ward stone?

I then asked the question, how did it become known that the cruciatus ward was on the property? Who had tried to breech the wards on the Rookery? It is a known fact that most Ancient and Noble families homes are layered with intent based defences.

If you had no ill intent towards the person or persons inside the warded area, you never had to worry. If your intentions were less than pure… well you get the idea.

Weasley and Finnigan managed to bullshit their way out of trouble. It helped that Percy Weasley was the chief ass licker and all round bum bitch for the minister. He managed to dodgy up the paperwork so it ended up being a mistrial.

And of course if you are a Pure Blood and have the ear of the minister – or at least his cock half way down your throat - we can't have double jeopardy.

Of course not.

Is it any wonder why I left that fucking world behind?

I won't go into too many details – unless you really want me too. But suffice it to say that not long after the girls were murdered, both Weasley and Finnigan managed to somehow get themselves skinned alive and had a combination of salt and acid dumped over their bodies continuously for seven weeks before they had their throats slit.

Or so I was told…

Any who, back to our favourite gameshow of 'Who Is Going to Fuck Harry This Week'.

When I was last watching Deadpool, it was a few months before my thirty seventh birthday. Apparently it is only a few days before I am supposed to turn eleven if memory serves.

I turn back to the, I suppose Angel still sitting in a heap on the floor. "Not meaning to be rude or anything mate." I pause and he looks me dead in the eye. "Take your imaginary giggling friend and fuck off. I don't want the shit you're selling."

With that pronouncement, I turn my back on the crumpled form of my 'family' make sure I bounce on Fuckleys head as I walk towards the door. I absently wave my hand over my body, completing a permanent conjuration that gave me black jeans, a black tee-shirt and a pair of black combat boots.

I open the door and without looking back I step onto Privet drive for the first time in almost twenty years. As I walk I notice that just like inside the house, everything on the outside is frozen in time.

I walk on to the footpath, visualise where I want to go and then I draw in a lot more magic than I really need.

With a sound that was almost like an explosion, I disaparate from Privet drive and the shockwave caused the front windows of number four to detonate inwards.

Fuck em…

 **Thanks for reading…**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2.**

 **Not mine…**

 **WOW, I can't believe the response I received from just the first chapter. Thanks for those of you who took the time to review. It really does make a difference.**

 **And yes I really did go and see Deadpool four times**

 **Now, on with the show**

"Oh fuck it." I swore to myself. I picked a really shite time to remember a really important rule of apparition.

I was currently hurtling through the whatever the hell it is you hurtle through when you apparate when it suddenly dawned on me that I have probably, well ok most defiantly fucked up.

I know I got the three "D's" correct. If I hadn't I would still be back at Privet Drive looking like a right pillock.

One thing I forgot though was that before you decide to magically travel to Potter Manor, you had better make fucking sure that the wards either know you are coming or that you have been keyed into them.

I know I wasn't keyed into the wards back twenty five years in the fucking future – being as how the first time I found the joint I had to go through the front gates.

At this point in time though…

BANG!

Owwwwwwwwww fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

Yep, not keyed in.

Mother fucker that hurt.

I pick my crumpled ass up from the grass just to the side of the gates for the Manor and stood hunched over with my hands on my knees breathing deeply.

It felt like my whole body had just been hammered flat. Actually when you consider that I had just done the magical equivalent of a bug smashing into your car windscreen, I'm thinking myself lucky that the last thing to go through my mind wasn't my ass hole.

After a few seconds of sucking in the big ones, I slowly stood upright and approached the gates. I'm not going to bore you with descriptions of how impressive as fuck the joint is – it really, really is impressive as fuck. Or how many rooms – twenty. How many shitters – too many, thank fuck I don't have to clean them. Or even how big the fucking hole was when I blew the joint up last time around – fucking huge.

I walked up to the gate and put my hand in the centre of the Potter coat of arms and said my name out loud. I felt a spike of pain in my hand as a needle shot out of the steel and penetrated the palm.

Fuck I hate blood locks.

Effective?

Yes.

Fucking painful?

Hell yes!

Absolute pussy?

Possibly…

The needle took the required blood sample and the gates and walls of the property flashed with light. Silently, the gates opened and I walked through the gap. As soon as I had cleared the threshold, the gates just as quietly slid closed.

I didn't waste the time having a nostalgic gander around at the joint – It had only been a year or so since I nuked the place after all. It can't have changed that much. The grounds and the entire house – including cleaning thank fuck - are maintained by magic.

It's easy, and all controlled by the wards.

Do you get the impression that wizards are a bunch of lazy fuckbags?

There were no House Elves here either. I found out years ago in the future – fuck this is going to do my head in. That Goat Fuck Boy had returned to the manor and killed the Potter elves once he had dumped me with that asshole family.

When the last elf was murdered, the house put itself into stasis mode and dumped the old cunt on his ass outside the gates. The wards had not registered is ill intent at killing the elves because it wasn't directed towards a human.

I only found all this out once I had summoned his decrepit old ass – using that ritual I mentioned before and tortured the information out of his shade. That was also when I found out just how badly he had manipulated and fucked with my life.

All for his stinking 'Greater Good'. The greater fucking good of Albus I smell like goat cum and old man pants Dumbledore.

I swear to god, the amount of times that old man had bent me over and fucked me, I'm surprised I still had any control over my ass muscles. My ass should have been so loose that I needed to wear a fucking nappy.

Woooo sahhhhh.

Sorry about that. You just have no fucking idea how much I hate that prick.

I shook off the rage and apparated directly into the foyer.

It was just over one hundred meters from the gates to the front door. I had better things to do than fuck around having a stroll through the grounds.

Blow me.

I enter the foyer and head to the study. Like all good pure blood homes, it had a fucking huge library that Mione and Luna would spend days at a time in. I barley glanced at the priceless dust collectors lining the walls. Instead, I made my way to the fireplace – another fixture of the Good Pure Blood Home – and put my hand on the centre of the mantle and pulled.

The fireplace split in two and the hidden room the housed both the Potter Grimoire and the ward control book was revealed.

Once again, I didn't bother doing more than glancing at the grimoire, I headed straight to the ward book and opened it to the access pages.

I picked up the quill – god I hate this backwards ass society. What the fuck is wrong with a Bic and a fucking note book? – And proceeded to cross out every name on the access list. There were dozens.

The only names I left intact were my own and the Padfooted one. I was conflicted over Mooney. The dude never got over the fact that he had a furry little problem. He up and fucked off on Tonks when she announced that she was knocked up with their child.

Yeah, I still have a bit of a shudder at the Daddy roleplay possibilities my mind conjures at the thought of those two fucking each other.

Mental note to stab my mind's eye with a pencil later…

She tracked his apparition signature to the alley and begged him to stay. When he rejected her again she was so upset she ended up collapsing in the middle of Diagon alley and was taken to St Mungo's. She miscarried four days later and suicided three days after that.

Part of my hated the man for his actions. The other part of me had no fucking idea how to deal with the pussy going forward.

Meh, backburner that. Too much other shit to do.

I refocused my gaze to the book and added the names Hermione Granger and Luna Lovegood to the access list. I then also turned to the pages covering the intent ward scheme and added the instructions that would place all sentient creatures within the grounds under the protection of the wards.

Satisfied with my efforts I returned to the study and the doors automatically closed behind me. I was about to take a gamble and call on Dobby – I was fucking starving – when I was distracted by the sound of a horse snorting and stamping its hoof.

What the fuck?

The noise was coming from the driveway. Heading towards the front door, I pulled up my magic and again had a killing curse ready to go in my left hand. I flung the door open with my right and charged up an Agis shield with my right as soon as I let go of the door handle.

The door bounced against the wall with the force it was opened. I stepped into the doorway and looked out at the site that greeted me, ready to either launch the killing curse or the shield – or both.

There were five figures in front of the steps leading up to the door. Recognising Gabriel from earlier I let my magic go and calmly walked out the door and sat myself down on the top step.

I raised an eyebrow at the Angel in front of me.

"What part of fuck-off, I don't want what you are selling was too difficult for you to understand Gabby?" I asked "Do you need me to use simpler words or maybe draw you a fucking picture?"

Gabriel stammered. "I I I." His speech faltered. He turned towards the riders and gestured. The one on the white horse carrying a bow eased his Nightmare forward.

"Don't even bother War." I sneered at the immortal rider and turned back to the pussy angel. "Are you actually going to answer me or are you so fucking narcissistic that the only word you can say is I?"

There was a snort of amusement from the rider that was carrying a scythe. My anger surged. I stood up and quickly turned towards him. "Fuck off Death." I pointed a hand towards the now silent Horsemen of the Apocalypse. I hadn't even realised that I had pulled on my magic again.

My hand was glowing green.

"Over the years I have given you plenty of work. Don't look here for more." I snarled at him. His Nightmare took a step to the left and then it surprised me.

It actually growled at me.

I looked at the angry horse. "Control your nag Death, or I will turn it into either pet food or glue." The growling cut off and the surprised mount took a step backwards.

I didn't realise it at the time, but my eyes had started to glow with the same colour light as the AK when I have it surrounding my hands.

Go me.

I will have to find the time to see if I can actually shoot fucking laser beams out of my eyes…

Pestilence dismounted his horse, hung his bow on the saddle horn and strode towards me. He stopped at the bottom of the stairs and made a half bow to me.

"Lord Potter-Black." He said. His voice was a surprise. Instead of the guttural tone that I expected. His voice was soft and aristocratic. "We have been asked." He paused. "Actually begged to plead for your assistance." He turned and gestured to his companions.

"The Most Holy came to us and entreated us to ask for your help."

I scoffed at the idea that Gabby was the Most Holy.

"No Lord Potter, the Archangel is not who I am referring too." He paused and made a strange gesture. He sort of crooked his left arm and made a come here motion with his index finger. There was a flash of light and pure white form appeared just over Pestilence's head and dive bombed me.

My breath caught in my throat. "Hedwig." I breathed. I had lost my Familiar to an AK when the cock smokers in the Order of the Ass Raped Goat decided that it would a great fucking idea to evacuate me from Privet Drive using brooms and Sirius's motorbike.

I swear to fuck. Wizards have absofuckinglutely no common sense. Is it any wonder why Dark Lords have no trouble taking over Wizarding Britain ever fifty or so years?

I held my arm up and my first and best friend landed on my arm. She then proceeded to butt her head against me while making a warbling sound that I had always associated with her being ecstatic.

I alternated, scratching her breast and behind her ears while she continued to chatter to me. I totally ignored the Muppets in front of me while I reconnected with my favourite girl.

"You have no idea how much I have missed you girl." I whisper to her. Looking her in the eyes.

Hedwig cocks her head to one side and returns my stare. I feel a slight pressure on my occulamatic shields and the realisation dawns on me. I eagerly accept the presence that I can feel behind the thought into my mind.

As the link settles I can hear a feminine voice tinged with wonder speaking to me in my head.

"My Wizard can you hear me?"

"I can Hed." I answer her. I sit down heavily onto the top step and place Hedwig onto my knees. I put my hands on either side of her body and administer the one thing she loves more than either myself or even Bacon – yes with a capital Bacon.

The full body scratch.

It starts just behind her eyes and goes all the way to her tail.

The noises she was making both inside my head and out loud were enough to make me smile for the first time since I found myself inside that fucking cupboard a few hours ago.

There was a polite cough from Pestilence. He was still standing at the bottom of the stairs. I turned my stare from my blissed out friend, even as my hands continued with their ministrations.

"My Lord, as I was saying, the Most Holy." I shook my head at him. No I am not trying to be facetious – for once. I had no fucking idea who he was talking about. I am honestly just hoping that he isn't one of these pillocks who believe that there is a fucking God.

Considering the fact that I am pretty much the anti-Christ when it comes to religion. I fucking hate anything to do with it.

The poor brainwashed fuck wits – sorry Believers - would tell me that what happened to me in the future / past / what the fuck ever was His will and He had a Plan.

Yep, that's right people. These asshats believe that being fucked over, tortured and abused by pretty much every person who was in a position of authority over from the time I was dumped on the fucking doorstep of that fucking family till the time I enlisted in the Army served a plan…

Fuck that.

That sounds too much like the Greater Fucking Good.

"Who you would know as The Source." Pestilence continued, cutting off my inner monologue.

Ya fucking what?

Even I had heard of The Source.

According to the dick heads that run Magical Britain, only "Light" magic is "Good", "Dark" magic is "Bad" – but if you are a weak willed fuckstain and claim that you were under the imperious – we will pretend that we didn't see anything.

While you are there though, can you throw a few galleons my way to make sure the paperwork doesn't get lost?

Cheers for that, you're a champ…

"Grey" Magic is an in-between type thing that no one seems to be able to form a consensus on.

Pretty much like being bi-sexual. Don't be greedy, just make up your mind and choose a side…

It's all fucking bullocks.

All Magic – yes, capital M – comes from The Source. Magic is not about good and evil. It is all about intent. Some spells are easier to cast if you are emotional at the time. The killing Curse is a prime example. You don't have to hate to be able to cast it though, just be strong enough magically.

The Patronus Charm is another. If you have a strong, really happy emotion, it is a shitload easier to cast.

If you are like me however, and have a very limited range of happy memories to draw on, and if you have enough power. You can just brute force the fucking thing out the end of your wand.

If that explanation is still a bit too confusing, try this.

The levitation charm is taught in first year. Depending on both the control and the strength of the witch or wizard will determine just how big an object can be lifted and / or moved around using the spell.

As they get older, their magical strength increases so they can lift heavier things as they age.

With me so far?

Good.

But let me ask you a question.

The levitation charm is pretty benign right? It is used to move something from point a to point b. You wouldn't really even bother to categorise it either a light or dark charm.

But what if I used that charm to throw your ass off the astronomy tower? Or levitated you into the middle of the Black Lake and then let the spell go, knowing you couldn't swim? Or even levitated a block of concrete over your head and let it go?

Or what about if I used it to get Neville down from the point of the sword that he found himself attached too during our first flying lesson before his robe ripped and he ended up breaking his wrist? Or used it to lift a baby out of a burning building?

How would you categorise that simple little charm now?

Dark, grey or light?

See you can't. Magic is all about intent.

I return my attention back to the Horseman in front of me.

"The Most Holy instructed us to come before you to entreat your assistance to correct the wrongs that were done in the future." He paused and looked at me expectantly.

"What?" I asked him in return. "The Source got its rocks off watching me spend almost eighteen years getting fucked in the ass and didn't lift a fucking finger to help me." I gently lift Hedwig off my lap as I stand up. I wave my right hand at a spot next to me and then I place my Familiar onto the perch that I have just conjured for her.

She sings what should have been a calming tune and I realise with shock and not a little bit of disgust that these assholes have manipulated my best friend as well.

Look, don't get me wrong. I am over the fucking moon to have Hedwig back with me. It seems that they have even transformed her from a snowy owl into a White Phoenix. A white Phoenix is considered one step below royalty in the Magical world and they only choose the most pure of heart as their companions.

The fact that these cunts have turned my companion into a creature that by its very nature will be unable to properly bond or have anything but the most basic connection with me is enough to cause the red mist to start to descend.

Lets be honest. My heart and soul are not the most pure any more.

Case in point. Hedwig's song has absolutely no effect on me what so ever. I can hear her distress over our mental link at her inability to calm me down.

I try to clamp down on my rage.

"I'm so sorry my beautiful girl." I whisper to the distressed Phoenix. I resume stroking the feathers just under her ears and she calms slightly. "It seems that I am not the only one they fucked over."

"Would it be easier for you if you left me until I can try and fix what they did to us?"

"You are my Wizard Harry." She replies. "Distance means little to our bond. We can sense and talk to each other even on the other side of the world."

"I can feel you anger my heart." She continues. "I am sorry that my death contributed to your pain."

"It's not your fault Hed." I tell her continuing to stroke her feathers. "Your death was the fault of fucking Dumbledore and his band of pole smokers.

"I know Harry." Her voice is soft and gentle in my head. "Your strong will, anger and hate are but three of the things that will allow you to succeed in this time line. It is as much a part of you as that birds next you call hair."

I choke at that. Did my friggin bird just crack a joke at my expense?

In response, I ruffle the feathers between her wings and she swats me over the back of the head in retaliation. It will take her at least fifteen minutes preening to get her feathers sorted out now.

"I will get it sorted Hed." I promise her and I return my attention once again to the assholes in front of me.

I think I am going to have to research ways to slaughter the Horseman. What they have helped to do to my Hedwig is unforgivable.

I must have been projecting my thoughts because the immortal – we'll see – beings in front of me take a collective half step backwards.

"Bring Her here NOW!" I snarl at Pestilence. The fury in my voice is unmistakable.

Gabriel takes this opportunity to once again prove how much of dickhead he is. He shoulders his way past the nightmares and storms up to the foot of the stairs standing just beside the Horseman.

"You dare to demand the Most Holy graces you with Her presence?" He gave his best Snape sneer. "Why would She acquiesce to your demands? You who are but nothing beneath our feet."

The condescending tone in his voice was so thick it could be used as road base.

"Yep." I scoff back at him. "This puny mortal who YOU dickheads tapped to bring back in time to sort out YOUR fuck ups."

This time I don't even hesitate. I put my right arm back over my shoulder and summon the Sword of Gryffindor to my hand. The instant I feel the pommel appear in my hand, I snap my arm forward throwing the sword straight at the Angels astonished neck.

Just as the sword was about to decapitate the blustering ponce and put him forever out of my fucking misery a hand suddenly appeared and snatched the sword out of the air only inches from its goal.

Fuck it.

An arm and a decidedly female form follow the hand into existence. The power that we could all feel radiating off the now visible deity in front of us was enormous. I had no doubt that if she chose, this chick could royally fuck up anything that decided to piss her off.

"So you finally decided to actually talk to the dude you unilaterally decided to fuck over for almost a decade?" I questioned her. "Should I bow down before you or just wank off all over your foot?"

There was a shocked intake of breath from Pestilence. And the chick who is / was / what the fuck ever The Source – you like how I did that? – Of all my problems – see? Did it again - turned to me with a look of pure shock in her purple eyes.

That shock was quickly changing to mirth.

Mirth?

What the fuck?

The Source threw back her head and laughed. It was a sound of pure joy and happiness. It washed over the eleven of us…

Yes people, eleven.

Count it out loud.

Take off your shoes and socks if you need extra county things.

The Four Horsemen, their Nags. Gabby, Hedwig aannnddd the skinny almost eleven year old who used to have a massive fucking cock.

Eleven.

Ten of those assembled looked at her in awe and not a little devotion.

Well Ok, let's be totally honest here. Gabby looked like he wanted to run over and start humping her leg. The look in his eyes was fucking creepy.

The eleventh – can you guess who? – walked down the stairs and got right into her face. "Unfuck her right now." I snarled at her. There was no question of who I was referring to

The mirth in those purple eyes faded slightly. "You make demands of me Harry?" she quietly asked. Her tone was tinged with disbelief.

I scoff back at her. "Get used to it." I came straight back at her. "Aren't you doing exactly the fucking same thing to me?"

Her purple eyes try and bore a hole into my head.

Yay another pissing contest. What the fuck is it with these immortals? I think they need to stop being of average height and grow another two feet. Little people should never be put into a position of power.

Or given a bunch of keys now I think about it.

Look at Molly Weasley the short little fat fuck. That should explain everything right there.

I meet her gaze…

Cue the music.

Stare for stare…

Angry purple met moody preteen green…

The stare holding contest of the fucking ag…

Fuck this. I'm bored.

I cross my eyes at her.

Her head jerks back as if she has been bitch slapped.

Aannnd the needle jumps off the vinyl and we get that awesome sound that DJ's and Hip Hop fans love as the music stops.

Without a word she turns away from me towards my distressed familiar. "I am sorry Hedwig. I did not realise that your Bonded would come back as Dark as what he is in the future. I thought the time travel would allow him to regain his innocence."

I'm pretty sure she heard my "What fucking innocence?" but she chose to ignore it. Instead she waved her hand towards Hedwig - who was still trilling sadly in my head - and a swirling light that pretty much had every colour combination you could think of rose up from her claws and quickly engulfed her.

I wasn't worried.

Not because I trusted The Source of all my fucking problems, but because I could hear Hedwig's song get stronger and more powerful by the second.

As her song changed, so too did the thoughts and feelings that I was receiving from her. The distress was rapidly fading to be replaced with thoughts of relief and happiness.

After almost a minute or so, the light show cut off and the once pure white phoenix was now a grey that was so dark it was almost black.

She was also a lot bigger.

When she first reappeared, although transformed into a phoenix, she was still her original size. Now though, she was roughly the size of a swan.

And a Storm Phoenix. Apparently they are a creature of myth that has never existed.

Apparently not…

With a trill she launched herself off her perch and glided straight towards me. As her wings extended, I noticed that her flight feathers were streaked with a deep purple that matched the colour of The Sources eyes. The much happier phoenix came to rest on my shoulder and with a gesture I conjured a mirror for her to see the changes for herself.

"You look beautiful Hed." I tell her over my bond. Sending all of the feeling of love and affection I had for my first friend to her over our link.

"I can get used to it." She replies, while admiring herself. "You have to thank her you know Harry." She told / commanded me.

"I was about to Hed." I reply to her. "I am not a totally ungrateful asshole."

All I got was a scoff and a wing to the back of the head as she launched herself into the sky, singing as she took off for a flight around the grounds of the manor.

When she disappeared behind the main building, I turned back to The Source and bowed my head. "Thank you." I said with sincere gratitude.

She nodded in response and I gestured towards the entrance. "I am guessing we need to have a long and involved talk about why you bought me back here?" I asked her. To my surprise, she just laughed and shook her head.

"It's not long and complicated at all Harry." The midnight black hair swirled as she turned and gestured towards her minions. "Through our inactions, we made the mistake of believing that people like Dumbledore and Riddle among others would be able to cope with the amount of power and responsibility that they were destined to wield."

She paused and looked back to me.

"We forgot that basic of human tenants that "Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. We, or should I say I, Tapped you." She paused and I gestured for her to continue.

"We bought you back to fix my mistakes. We cannot directly intervene on this world otherwise I would have been able to take steps to ensure that certain knowledge wasn't passed on to a sadistic sixteen year old."

I stopped myself from making a "no shit" or similar comment at the reference to Riddle, and continued to listen to her explanation.

"You have to let events pretty much play out as they were to avoid the advantage of your knowledge of future events becoming corrupted, but once both Dumbledore, Riddle and others that I will inform you of when the time is correct for you to act…"

She paused again and glanced towards her companions who steadily returned her stare. She seemed to draw strength and comfort from them.

She turned back towards me. "Once you have completed these tasks, it is my intention to raise you as my direct representative in this world and the leader of the magical race. We will be in touch"

With that pronouncement she stepped back, snapped her fingers and with a crack, I was alone once more in front of the manor.

I must have looked like a poleaxed Ox because Hedwig suddenly flamed right in front of my face and I had no reaction. Only a wing to the face and the sound of her laughing herself stupid bought me out of my shocked state.

Leader of the fucking magical world?

The Sources bitch on earth?

I looked up at the cloudless blue sky and screamed.

"YOU WANT ME TO DO FRIGGIN WHAT?"

 **Thanks for reading.**


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